1) writing on bathroom stalls (ie. “tom + sara = love foreva” or “i <3 peter!”). why?? do you run back out the bathroom, go to your boyfriend and say “baby, baby, i love you SO much that i couldn’t stop thinking about you, even while i’m (via alex: “dropping the kids off at the pool). so i had to make sure that countless other strangers who enter that stall to similarly “drop their kids off at the pool” witness our beautiful love… written on a McDonald’s plastic bathroom stall… using a BIC pen.

2) girls who wear “i love my boyfriend” t-shirts. maybe this is some cool new alt thing that has to do with some vintage british band and i’m just not in the know. but otherwise… wtf?! if i were a dude i’d be like “WOMAN. can you chill the eff out with that?” maybe i’ll manufacture a line of shirts for all the ups and downs of a relationship:

“i love my boyfriend”

“i hate my boyfriend”

“i love my boyfriend but sometimes i’m struck with this overwhelming sadness because i feel like he loves me for what i represent to him rather than the singular qualities i possess which i believe to comprise the make-up of who i am as a human”

all text in italics have been translated from french for your english reading pleasure

my advisor: you teach me english! that make you my mistress!
me: (awkward face)
my advisor: no? is it not called mistress?
me: errrr…. a mistress is when you’re married, but you keep a girlfriend… who you… meet with
my advisor: ahhhh, like Monica Lewinksy!

me: come with me back to my (lab)room. The RNAse-free tubes are there.
advisor: you just asked me to go back to your bedroom with you.

this goes out to all the fellas who just don’t have game and all the sistas who be feelin the pain.

conduct as it pertains to clubbing:

i respect you for making your way over and trying to dance with a girl. really i do. especially since i’m sure that 70% of the times you try this, you get shut down. but we need to get you caught up on dancing etiquette. if she suddenly makes some kind of shape or form with her hands (may often resemble a swimming turtle) and her friends immediately start dancing on her… that’s a bad sign. it’s not a sign that she’s picturing you, herself, and her best girlfriend going back to your place. that means that SHE DON’T WANT YOU. she don’t. now go away.

and when you go away, don’t turn around and repeat said endeavor on the girl right next to her. because, this may blow your mind, but females have the incredible power of peripheral vision. crazy, huh? and she knows you just got shot down by the last chick, and none of us are willing to be number 2. so have some humility man, take a break, and maybe hit up another quadrant of the dance floor where no one witnessed your PICK UP FAIL.

and if a girl is there with 5 girlfriends and 1 guy… that’s not her boyfriend. that’s not someone who’s secretly in love with her and therefore competition. that’s the good friend who got stuck with “cock block” evening duties. so if he suddenly grabs her and starts dancing with her… you can be sure that wasn’t his idea.

in general, don’t take the “playing hard to get” thing too seriously. honestly i think it’s more of an urban legend. if we come across a good guy that we want, chances are we’re not going to risk that with a “meh” and walk away. so please don’t persist. unless you’re in a situation where she asks you what could possibly tempt her to accept the man who ruined, perhaps forever, the happiness of a most beloved sister? and what about your conduct towards a mr. wickham?

the only other scenario where i can imagine persistence paying off is if you play office pranks on dwight everyday but she tells you she’s engaged. and… yeah. that’s about it.